Note to Self

Hello Self!
You have an issue and you need help. I will help you, you just need to be so focused and very disciplined to follow what needs to be done.

For now, you are very affected by conversations with people you love, one person in particular. You feel life is unfair and that you are left alone to suffer while the
other enjoy. Guess what you need to do now for yourself...

Minimize conversations and discover your inner strength. Once discovered, hold on tight to it. No matter what happens and how many nice/not so nice words are exchanged, keep that focus and that inner strength.

Towards a more disciplined life

I am depressed. Yes, I have all the signs of it. And I am aware of it. This awareness is important. It means I know what is going on and hence, I can do something about it, I can find a solution.

So why am I depressed? Few answers come into mind...
I question who I am and what kind of person I wish to be, what kind of person I am supposed to be and if I am moving in the right direction everyday...

I question when my underlying principles are being questioned or when someone dear question the person I have worked hard to become...

I wish I am cherished and I am yearned for; even though I also wish for strength and individualism, and independence.

I wonder if I hurt a person's feeling or if I should care if someone does not like me?

I am a complex mind, with wants and needs conflicting with each other..principles and 'breaking all rules' live side by side...a constant struggle of identity and yet a strong deep knowledge of who I want to be.

I decided that a solution to this is to create RULES and have a regimented life, where I am ruled by the supreme INNER self who is always a constant force within me who knows WHO I am and WHAT I need to do and WHAT the right move and the right feeling is.

Wedding Plan : Bridal Wear + Makeup

Ok so here's my current plan for bridal wear + makeup.

Nikah
(1) Red saree from Stylemart (groom: cream or black indian suit)
Status: Bought the Saree!
I must admit the saree is very nice and really brings out the good Indian parts of me! =)

Wedding Dinner
Fatimah Mohsin 2 change of bridal wear + 1 make up
Status: Hmm paid the deposit but currently unsure about their service standards..I need to be a bit more straight with them on my requirements. I am too nice!! Anyway, have decided to go down next week, meet the manager and Fatimah mohsin herself; and try to sort their services out. If I feel they are bad, I either need to find another service provider or maybe just reduce my requirements from them, to 1 bridal wear only.

Photography/Videography
I have decided to go for Pixelwave. Shall do a proper review of their service the next time round!

Being Indian

Well apparently being Indian means, I am stuck to being Indian. You can't convert to Chinese or Malay or African! Argh. Which means, I need to embrace being Indian; all the drama, colours. gold, more drama and more drama..have I mentioned drama?

I also discovered that I am easily emotionally attached. A driver at the carpark gave me his parking coupon, saying that he doesnt need it and that the wants to give it to me; just pure drivers' goodwill. But I felt so deeply indebted. I guessed that's just me! But now I need to learn to be more objective and less emotionally attached; especially when it comes to major life decisions like career, marriage etc!

That's what I have in my head for now. Suri is sleeping beside me, so delightfully. Such a pure joy to be a kitten!

June 2010

June 2010. June 2009. June 2008. June 2007. It was 4 Junes ago in Dubai when I was wondering what life will bring me to in 2010, in 2011 etc.
So many significant life changing events happen over the past 3 years.
(1) My little sister Moony Begum passed away in January 2009 =(
(2) We met 5 2-day old kittens found abandoned at a void deck, they were already too sick, except for one of them. Each died, one after the other. Ali, the last one was actually super healthy. But he was too devastated when he realized his siblings are not around him; and he passed on too. What a short life but a meaningful one; they certainly touched us.
(3) I started my MBA in October 2009
(4) Mithila took steps towards getting married; booked hotel wedding venue in Sri Lanka; wedding plans came into force.
(5) I discovered the power of the mind and the importance of mental health; and well the fact that I can be so confused by too many thoughts at one time.
(5) My term in my beloved company will be the next big thing...as it might be coming to an end? for something potentially more challenging? For the sake of taking risks and stepping into new boundaries...for the sake of being happier 9 hours in the day?

At Home

Home based today. Been having a queezy feeling in my tummy followed by nausea; and to top it all my body is pain due to my good gym session yesterday. Anyway decided to be safe, and keep myself healthy 100% before heading out to this flu-throdden world. Its a good rest - much needed too to keep my mind calm and focused; and not to be bothered by people around me - especially those I just cant sync myself with. The more mature I get, the more I feel how immature others are; but who am I to judge..judging is immature.
Anyway missing my bb..wishing that he will have a super day at work; and shine as he always does.

Bored

Lunch time. Bored. Sometimes you wish things will just happen - and you dont have to think to much and just go with the flow. Found an old malay song which I really like!

Engkau bagai air yang jernih
Di dalam bekas yang berdebu
Zahirnya kotoran itu terlihat
Kesucian terlinding jua

Cinta bukan hanya di mata
Cinta hadir di dalam jiwa
Biarlah salah di mata mereka
Biar perbezaan terlihat antara kita

Kuharapkan kau kan terima
Walau dipandang hina
Namun hakikat cinta kita
Kita yang rasaSuatu hari nanti

Pastikan bercahaya
Pintu akan terbuka
Kita langkah bersama
Di situ kita lihat

Bersinarlah hakikat
Debu jadi permata
Hina jadi mulia
Bukan khayalan yang aku berikan

Tapi keyakinan yang nyata
Kerana cinta lautan berapi
Pasti akan kurenang jua
http://www.imeem.com/people/peZEbl/music/6BPqx00B/iklim-suci-dalam-debu/